Obsession

Ah yes... the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.
— Lion king-Rafiki

Now that I'm thirty, I find that each day that goes by I become more and more obsessed with my past. At first, I didn't understand why. It was terrifying to think that there was a part inside me that longed to reconnect with something I worked so hard to forget. I found myself contacting old girlfriends seemingly for no reason at all. Concerned, my wife questioned my motives. Unfortunately, much to my dismay, I myself was still very unaware of exactly why my subconscious led me to a point I considered to be mute. What I soon realized was that although I was able to suppress that which was at the very core of my pain, ultimately resolution was still something that eluded me. In order to truly move on, I needed to reconcile with the pain I spent most my life running from.
At a young age, I found myself looking for love when I should have been enjoying my youth. My first girlfriend actually turned out to be my first everything, and at the time, I honestly thought I was supposed to end up with her. So when she cheated on me after I'd left my parents house and found an apartment of my own, I was soon met with the harsh reality that not everyone had the same values about sex and love as I did. What intensified the experience even more so was that I had actually had gotten her pregnant, and she had a miscarriage shortly after I broke up with her for cheating. I remember when she told me about the miscarriage, the only words that stood out were "your sons dead because of you".
Till recently, I'd completely forgotten all about that. Suppression is almost second nature to me. For a long time, I was very bitter and treated most women with a deep seeded animosity. My calm naive nature was soon overshadowed with the black heart of a manipulative, passive aggressive, narcissist that was known only as "Smoke". I took great pleasure in deceiving others, especially women. When I met my second girlfriend Mimi, I admit that I'd deceived her from the moment we first met in front of Asian Chao. I'd been working in Bombay Company and had to wear a suit to work everyday. I had my own apartment, and a steady job, so at the time, it seem as though I was trying to go somewhere. It became very apparent that I had no plans on going to school or getting some form of training. I now believe the main reason she cheated on me was because I had no aspirations in life. So when I went to jail, its no wonder she never visited me. For a long time, I harbored a deep hatred for her. Although I'd all but repressed the entire incident, there was still a dark part deep in the farthest recesses of my mind that burned with anger.
Recently, I was able to reconcile with my first girlfriend. Being able to talk to her and tell her how what she did hurt me more than she could ever imagine was very healing. I came to an understanding that what I'd actually been carrying with me all these years was the corpse like embodiment of my enraged innocence. Although, I've not been as successful in contacting Mimi, it was clear to me that the reason she left me was because she saw through the mask I put on and realized that in order to be happy, she would have to dissociate herself from the black hole that was my negativity. It seems as though, through my repression, I've been unwittingly carrying with me the disembodied corpses of my lost youth. Rather than learning from the experience, I opted to runaway, and now I find myself having to face these truths on my road to Dusk. To who I am... to who I want to be.
Now that a ending has been written for those chapters of my life, I find it easier to makes sense of my own eccentricities... of my reclusive nature. My desire to control is merely a defense mechanism. Trust seems to be something that is difficult for me to give others partly because I choose to retreat before anyone gets a chance to hurt me. If I hope to expand my social circle beyond that which it is already, I'll have to learn to trust people again.

The Wanderer

Most of my childhood memories can be perfectly framed staring out the rear window of car. For reasons beyond my control, I became a habitual runaway, racing from one life to the next as fast as any form of transportation could carry me. As the son of a mother in the military, there wasn't much I could do. At a very young age, I became adept at saying goodbye to friends and family, so much so that even to this day it is difficult for me to form deep long lasting relationships. Its as if there's some sort of psychological clock counting down the minutes till midnight, to the moment when the very fabric of this reality will be torn only to reveal another beginning.
I often find myself envious of those with friends they've had since childhood, friends they still know and interact with to this very day. Its as if they became more than just friends; they became family. The reality is, I will never know that feeling. The longest relationship I've ever had is with my wife whom I've known since 2001. Sometimes, I think the reason I love her so much is because in the back of mind, destiny stands with sword in hand, waiting to tear through this reality only to show me another beginning. So I embrace her, waiting for reality to cheat me out of my happiness again. The truth is before I met her, I was almost certain I would spend the rest of my life alone. Most people told me I was too young to think that way. Its not that I was too young, its just that I am a die hard realist. It was only by chance that I even met her. Had I not worked in a that candy store in the airport, I would have never been there to receive that phone call, and I would have never met the best friend I would ever have in my entire life. As miraculous as that may be, I by no means attribute this chance meeting to some sort of plan set up by some deity. I've always believed that if you find love, you should hold on to it like grim death, because the probability that you'll find someone else that finds your eccentricities to be endearing is slim to none.
I don't have a lot friends, but what I do have is a wife and daughter, and although there isn't a whole lot I can teach my daughter about maintaining personal relationships, what I can teach her is the importance of friends and how a true friend can be like a glass of water on a hot day. Just so refreshing....